16 Tiffany Haddish Quotes That Cracked Us Up

The whole “Who Bit Beyoncé?” brouhaha may have blown up bigger than Tiffany Haddish thought it would. Kinda like how some people perceived the actress’ seemingly rapid rise to stardom. But the Girls Trip scene-stealer — and head of She Ready production company — has been at this comedy grind for a while, rising above her upbringing as a foster child and states of homelessness to do it, too. We don’t know who took a chomp out of Bey’s face. But we do know that we love us some Tiffany Haddish, who is unapologetically herself where ever she appears. Tonight, she’ll host the MTV Movie and TV Awards, and we’re sure it will be off the hook! Here, we share some of her funniest (and inspiring) quotes to date. Smile on…

On hosting the MTV Movie and TV Awards:

“You don’t want another generic dude in a tux hosting a boring-ass award show. You want the boss who paved her own way.” — Show Promo

On being thankful:

“O.K. First, I want to thank God, because without God, my mama and daddy wouldn’t have put their two uglies together and they wouldn’t have made me. That was all God right there. He put two crazy people together to make this one awesome, crazy person.” — Her acceptance speech, New York Film Critics

On getting quality sleep:

“My body is like, ‘Go to sleep!’  But my mind is like, ‘No, we gotta get this money.’”

Dishing out health advice:

“A teaspoon of turpentine will not kill you,” says Haddish with the breezy confidence of an unlicensed doctor. “The government doesn’t want you to know that if you have a cold, just take some turpentine with some sugar or castor oil or honey and it’ll go away the next day.”— GQ

On being an Oscar presenter and jacking up names:

“When I finally got home, I had to hug myself a little bit and say, “You know what, Tiffany? I don’t care if you did make mistakes. I’m so proud of you.” I never, ever thought I would be able to do something awesome like that. That little foster kid, up there?” — Vulture.com

On writing her book, The Last Black Unicorn:

“I do have esteem issues when it comes to reading and writing,” she says. “I always feel kind of self-conscious about letting people read something that I wrote, because the last thing I wanna hear is ‘You spelled everything wrong.’ ”— GQ

How she reacts when Beyonce’ gets bit in the face:

“I’m going to beat somebody a** at your party,” Haddish said she told Beyoncé. “I just want to let you know that.”— GQ

On how people accept her:

“You know how white people do. They just encourage and cheer anybody who lets it all hang out and just don’t give a fuck.”— The Last Black Unicorn

On being a foster child:

“The state of California paid so much money to make sure I don’t die ‘cause they knew I was gonna be special,” Haddish tells her audience. “They knew it. They was like, ‘This one right here, she gonna be a unicorn.’ And they was right. I’m the last black unicorn, bitch!”  The Atlantic

If she were president:

“Everybody would get a full month off work. A full holiday! I know other countries get two months, three months, but we’re America and we work hard.” — Vulture.com

On her master plan:

“The master plan is to be like little baby Oprah, with my own production company, maybe my own channel, inspire millions.”— Vanity Fair

How she operates on set:

“I always feel like when I work with people, I work with everybody—from the person that’s working the camera to the person that’s running the water to the person that’s putting the clothes on me, the person that’s combing my hair, my makeup, the person that’s like, “You gotta sign these papers.” I try to hang out with everybody. Because all of y’all make my money come through.”— Her acceptance speech, New York Film Critics

On dealing with haters:

“I know some people in here are going to talk shit about me. It’s O.K. You know why it’s O.K.? Because you care enough to say something. If you didn’t say nothing, then you didn’t care.”— Her acceptance speech, New York Film Critics

On her success:

“Some days, I’m like, ‘Yeah, that’s exactly what I worked for, and I manifested it ten years ago. I didn’t know how I was going to get here, but I got here.'” — Vulture.com

On where she slept in her car:

When Kevin Hart asked her where she was sleeping homeless: I told him, “Beverly Hills. If Imma be homeless, I’m gonna be homeless in the best area.” – Vanity Fair

Just being “Dina” in Girls Trip:

“Girl, you can’t get no infection in your booty hole. It’s a booty hole.” – Girls Trip

Joslyn Murphy is a freelance writer based in Brooklyn, NY. 

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